The Unofficial Jokes
Not Part of Rock Medicine
You must be 21 to read this
page
Like my Momma said - ''Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one
and 90% of them stink!'' ..and a joke is just a bad opinion. If you’re
easily offended please leave now. If you’re Joke is bad enough for this
page send it to me, I’ll always include your eMail address so that you
can get the complaints directly.
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More is Less
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It's Good To Be A Man - Submitted by Steven Sugar
[ssugar911@earthlink.net]
Damn it's good to be a man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He
must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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Things you CAN say at Thanksgiving and get away with!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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Working the System...
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left
the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I
looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help
at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they would be
available.
I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello.
I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well,
you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
And within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Sent: Monday, 27 August 2001 9:04
Subject: A frog story
A FROG STORY
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on
a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he
knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks
if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager
and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you.
He wants to borrow $30,000 and use this as collateral." She holds up the
tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
( Are you ready???) (You're gonna love it!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
a Rolling Stone" !!!
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Shit Happens!
Shit Happens in Various World Religions
or
A COMPARATIVE GUIDE TO WORLD
RELIGIONS
-
TAOISM - Shit happens.
-
CONFUCIANISM - Confucius says "Shit happens."
-
BUDDHISM - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
-
BUDDHISM2 - it is only an illusion of shit happening
-
ZEN - What is the sound of shit happening?
-
HINDUISM - This shit happened before.
-
MORMON - This shit is going to happen again.
-
ISLAM - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
-
CALVINISM - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
-
CATHOLICISM - Shit happens because you're bad.
-
CATHOLICISM II - If shit happens, you deserved it.
-
CATHOLICISM III - If shit happens, I deserve it.
-
PROTESTANTISM - Let this shit happen to someone else.
-
PROTESTANTISM2 - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
-
JUDAISM - Why does this shit always happen to us?
-
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES - Knock, knock, "shit happens".
-
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST - No shit on Saturdays.
-
STOICISM - This shit is good for me.
-
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE - Shit is only in your mind.
-
HEDONISM - There isn't anything like a good shit happening.
-
HINDUISM - This shit happened before.
-
MOONIES - Only happy shit happens.
-
HARE KRISHNA - Shit happens rama rama.
-
RASTAFARIANISM - Let's smoke this shit.
-
RASTAFARIA - SMOKE THAT SHIT!!!
-
EXISTENTIALISM - What is shit anyway?
-
TELEVANGELISM - Send money or shit will happen to you.
-
ATHEISM - No shit.
-
ATHEISM - There is no such thing as shit
-
AGNOSTICISM - Maybe shit happens, and maybe it doesn't
-
ROCK MEDISM - Oh Shit - Universal Precautions
-
ROCK MEDISM II - Oh Shit - get Barf Bucket Bob
|
If you don't know the difference between "SHIT" and "POOP" check
out:
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT POOP
http://www.heptune.com/poop.html
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Subject: Speeding Tickets
From: Jonathan Lum [jeilum@yahoo.com]
TO: Friends@RockMed.org
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was standing
up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to
just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He
replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car for several minutes.
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Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
The answer to the eternal question: Is "it better to be a jock or a
nerd?"
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.
He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000)it would take him
a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
$10,500 at 8:45am on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However...
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still
have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Nerd wins.
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Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 22:12:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jonathan Lum <jeilum@yahoo.com>
To: Friends@RockMed.org
Subject: Buffalo Beer?
Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA)April 2001.... A herd
of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brains cells, but naturally it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter .................after
a few beers.
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Thanks Jonathan for your info on the Buffalo it made me look for a beer.
So I went to the Web to find the JAMA magazine... To quench my thrush:-)
and all I found was 398 web Pages with "buffalo can only move as fast as"
So here’s The 5 best versions of the Buffalo Chips.
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Only 398 Pages with "buffalo
can only move as fast as"
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http://www.primenet.com/~machado/adb/buffalo.htm
I am the DD for Tacoma, WA. Here at PLU we have a theory that was developed
by my
small group of pro drinkers. We call it the Buffalo Theory. It goes
a little something like this.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much
like the brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo
are the sick and
weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move
at a faster pace. Like
the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed
off by beer drinking,
making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more
beer, it will make
you smarter..
*Original sender now unknown*
The following was added by someone at the UC Davis Marching Band-uh:
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and
getting married, most engineers cannot keep up
with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick
to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the
intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff
that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you
shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you
can be.
From: GNMarch@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:20:01 -0400 (EDT)
To: fugawe@ucdavis.edu
Page last updated: 2:26 PM on 10/4/97
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An Ode to Beer
http://www.geocities.com/hainke73/humour/beer.html
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained
or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological
studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain
cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular
consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal
link between all-weekend parties and job related performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university
and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance
of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during
their college years.
So, this is a call to arms.
As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder
in our homes.
Get back into the bars.
Quaff that pint.
Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have.
Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
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DARWINISM
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first.
This natural selection, first documented by Charles Darwin, is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So who
knew, in addition to oat bran and exercize, beer consumption actually makes
you fitter.
JokeMaster Note:
We want to keep you around, so please
"increase your efficiency" with care.
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Cheers
http://internetbrothers.com/lc07oct00.htm
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:
"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first."
"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first."
"In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why
you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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From:
RockMedFriend@aol.com
Date sent: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 02:46:50 EST
To:
Staff@RockMed.org
Subject: Unpleasant
Medicine
Here are some highlights of ER admissions over the past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitroglycerine pills and a fifth of vodka.
When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they
were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerine
explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal
pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted
a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and
then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she
was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on him self in a drunken
rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could
reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the mans
house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers
heard a choking sound coming from the mans poodle that was sitting in the
corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
mans jewels from the dogs mouth. After inspection of the parts by
the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee
while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation
from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying
to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under
her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her
chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime.
And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered
in on of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking
lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting
to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.
What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead
he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the
bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin
fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave the nurse gave him
back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response:
"It was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she does
indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection
reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is easily removed
and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a potato, the patient said
that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to
hold it up" and then forgot about it.
- The most nonemergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at
2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During
the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor
gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor
went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
back
positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there”
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Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2001 18:09:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: Andie Rice <brownieandie@yahoo.com>
Subject: Fwd: getting old
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming
freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday,1987
is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the
Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember thespace shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "You sound like
a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record
player. They have likely never played 'Pac Man'and have never heard of'Pong'.
The compact disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen
a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been
VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was. They cannot fathom not having
a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is or know about the "Help
me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in th microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI & WWII. They
have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who 'Mork' was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel,"
or "De plane, de plane!".
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
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From:
jndpe@earthlink.net (Doug Eaton MD)
To:
Staff@RockMed.org
Subject: Fw:
More Computer Humor . . .
Date sent: Wed, 3 Mar 1999
15:15:31 -0600
Subject: You know it's time to join E-mailers Anonymous when...
1. You wake up at 3 AM and go to the bathroom and stop to
check your E-mail on the ways back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and DotCom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on
your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year
or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages," So
you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends
are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at: http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
<http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html>
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From: EzgoinEMT@aol.com
Date sent: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 22:13:33 EST
To:
Bob@rockmed.org
Subject: Elderly gentleman and
the local drug store!!!
-----Original Message-----
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for
sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Date sent: Tue, 16 Mar 1999
08:37:28 -0800
From:
Tom Dixon <DIXON-T@SA.UCSB.EDU>
To:
ShowList@RockMed.Org
Subject: Do Roman
paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
1.. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
2.. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
3.. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't
live there.
4.. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5.. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6.. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7.. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time.
8.. So what's the speed of dark?
9.. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been diss-ing them anyhow?
10.. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?
11.. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12.. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
13.. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
me are furious.
14.. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15.. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
16.. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
17.. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When
a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
18.. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19.. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20.. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
it?
21.. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
22.. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23.. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24.. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
25.. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26.. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
27.. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28.. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
29.. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30.. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31.. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32.. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
33.. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34.. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!!
35.. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36.. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37.. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
38.. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something
new?
39.. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40.. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41.. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not adoor?
42.. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
43.. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
44.. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
45.. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46.. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47.. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48.. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49.. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51.. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52.. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
55.. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56.. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57.. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just
SEEM longer?
58.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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* * * * * * * * *
Date sent: Fri, 04 Jun 1999
17:58:26 -0700
From:
Doug Eaton <jndpe@earthlink.net>
To:
Staff@RockMed.org
Subject: Pertinent
questions (?)
1) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
2) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
3) If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
4) If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5A) Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
5B) Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7) Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more
of what they already know we don't have any of?
8) When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
9) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
10) Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread
to begin with.
11) Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
12) If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would
you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
13) Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
14) Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
15) Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple?
16) Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a
project, I end it?
17) Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
18) Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
19) Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
20) Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
21) Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
22) If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
23) When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
24) "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
26) If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person
be called a Portugoose?
27) Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
28) If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
29) Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
30) Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
31) Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
32) If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
33) If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?"
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The end of the internet:
http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT POOP
http://www.heptune.com/poop.html
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* * * * * * * * *
New Sections
The Rock Medicine Old News and Information you need to know before eMailing
or calling the Office to book shows. http://RockMed.org/ShowListOldNews.htm
Bad Tast Jokes and other Internet Poop (Not from Rock Medicine) http://www.RockMed.org/ShowListJokes.htm
Show List at: www.RockMed.org/ShowList.htm
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THE END
* * * 30 * * * * that's * all * for * now! * * * * *
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